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IN A WORLD WHERE DIABETES PROBABLY MAYBE HOPEFULLY DOESN’T EXIST, ONE MAN STARTS A JOURNEY FROM WHICH HIS BLOOD SUGAR WILL NEVER RECOVER. HIS MISSION: TRY THE POP-TARTS… TRY THEM ALL! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST.
I’ll be honest… this is the Pop Tart that started Pop Tart Quest as even a zygote of an idea. I still remember walking through the vast aisles of Wal-Mart, my stomach a chasm of unfulfilled hunger and my tongue a wasteland of flavorlessness. When, from out of the corner of my eye, I spied a delicious toaster treat. It was the visage of that box down there! Doesn’t that just look like amazing, chocolatey, gooey goodness? Yes, yes it does. I was drawn to this box and its promise of a warm hug of chocolate joy.
As I approached, it was then that I noticed: Wow, there are a LOT of Pop-Tarts! Far more than I ever previously acknowledged. I mostly just ate, like, S’mores. That was as adventurous as I assumed Pop-Tarts got, but I was so, so wrong. And some of them look so good! If only I could try them all….
Well, obviously I can. And I am. That’s the promise I have made to you, the reader. And it’s only fitting that I’m starting with the one that enticed me to begin with…
So how were these after all that build? Almost underwhelming, honestly. The insides are not nearly the dripping, chocolate goo that the box promises, but rather the choppy, congealed sludge that makes up the interior of almost every every Pop Tart. Not that it is a BAD thing–I love Pop Tart sludge; it’s absolutely in my top three sludges–but it was somewhat of a letdown. It’s really not any better than regular Chocolate Fudge or S’mores flavors that have been classics for ages; S’mores is actually decidedly better, to be fair. It was a GOOD Pop-Tart, yes, but it was missing the warm embrace of the womb that I had set it up for in my mind.
Texture:
A+ : These had a great texture, without any frosting on top. It is almost a unfrosted Pop-Tart, BUT it has a lovely swirl of chocolate squirted on it. That’s a lot better than the frosting that always has such a different, harder “feel” than the rest of the Tart.
Flavor:
A- : These were good, don’t get me wrong. But there is a certain disproportion of how good they LOOK versus how good they ARE. So, good… but disappointingly so?
Toasted-To-Untoasted ratio:
90/10 : Like most of the chocolate flavors of Pop Tarts, these are absolutely meant to be toasted. The toasted Tart was markedly superior to the untoasted Tart (and yes, I’m eating these both ways because I CARE ABOUT YOU, and I want you to have a thorough information packet on Pop Tarts).
Overall:
B+ : Currently, a top tier Pop-Tart. I will report if the Tart-inspired degradation of my sleeping patterns continues, though. This Tart has a nice ceiling, but a very low floor, what with possible insanity and all.
NOW FOR Wildlicious Wild Cherry
Deep in the heart of the Amazonian wilderness, entrenched so far into the darkest rain forests that society is less than a distant rumor, there lives many creatures that few mortal men have ever seen. These animals know not natural light nor vehicles nor the Internet nor plumbing. They live as their god intended. Free. Wild. Wildlicious, even.
So, too, live these Pop-Tarts, Wildlicious Cherry. These primitive pastries were snared only by the most cunning of Kellogg’s employees. It was feared, they say, that when these men and women were sent into the world’s shadowy nooks, no one was sure they would ever return. But return they did! But do they know what they’ve unleashed on mankind’s unsuspecting palettes? Can they possibly comprehend what their meddling has brought?
The first thing you will notice about Wildlicious Cherry is their feral nature. The howls that emanate from their foil wrapping are surely meant to frighten off the less hardy of Pop-Tart aficionados. These Pop-Tarts do not want to be consumed, and they fight viciously when first confronted by pampered citizens in our fancy homes and with our luxurious dinnerware. Through great effort and force of will and owning of a toaster, however, these wild tarts can be tamed. And with tameness comes a delightful breakfast treat.
So yeah, Wildlicious Cherry. These aren’t bad. They are a bit more, erm, tart than regular cherry; I was expecting this to just be a basic cherry Pop-Tart, but with more colors of sprinkles (this is what my brain is telling me, however, I have not had a regular cherry Pop-Tart in years. I could well be getting fooled by the part of my brain where I keep historical Pop-Tart context). I think out of all the fruit flavored Pop-Tarts I’ve had in my life… these are definitely Top 3. Also! Top 3 of all the Tarts I have tried in this journey!
Taste:
B+ : As far as fruit-flavored P-T’s go, these are the cat’s pajamas.
Colors:
A+ : Yes, all of them! Why my CHERRY Pop-Tart has green and yellow and orange sprinkles, I’ll never know, but this Pop-Tart is bustling with the energy of a rainbow.
Having A Stupid Name:
A+ : Just the absolute stupidest.
Toasted-to-Untoasted ratio:
40%? This was hard to gauge because I definitely toasted the toasted one for too long. But it still wasn’t bad, so it’s got that going for it! The Untoasted one retained its tartness better for some reason, and I REALLY hate that I keep referring to Pop-Tarts as tart. Ugh. I hope next week I find a poppy one!
Overall:
C- : It was good–but I really can’t get past that name. “Wildlicious”. Come on. That’s not even a word.
